paper scars
by keep my issues drawn
Summary: Neither of the two will remember falling asleep but as the light seeps through the windows to wake them up they'll see their curtains still open and find themselves still facing towards each other as though the pause in their conversation was only for a brief moment. The boys don't mention it to each other, but it happens most nights. —Dean/Seamus.


my submission to the john green appreciation competition on hpfc. i haven't written trio era (or hp) in a while so i hope this is okay. there are probably a few canonical errors seeing as i'm on holiday so i didn't have my books for reference so i just skim read hp-wiki ahaha. (also this is really long and i don't know how that happened)

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_"The marks humans leave are too often scars."_

_—_John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

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The first time Dean put a pencil to paper, he couldn't have yet been three years old. Even before that, he had crayons, felt tips and coloured pencils. Back then, his drawings tended to be of him and his family; it started as just his mum with an arm atop his shoulder, both smiling and standing in the sun that was always drawn a half-circle in the corner of the paper. After a while, they began to expand, adding in his step-dad and step-siblings as he accepted them into his family. He always seemed to prefer to draw people, even as he was surrounded by those who would draw trains, trees, fish. His mother would ask why and he wouldn't really have a response — 'they're people' would be all he would be able to say in explanation. 'They matter'. His mother would hug him and ask what he wanted for dinner and he'd play with his siblings for hours until it got dark or the adults ushered him inside.

Over time, the drawings would get better, and he'd spend longer on them, sometimes drawing from life. He remembers that when he was ten he convinced a pretty girl to sit for him and she flirted with him until he told her she needed to sit still or he wouldn't get the drawing right. It came out a bit wrong and every time he looked at her he got a queasy feeling in his stomach and wondered what it meant.

It was a week later that he received his Hogwarts letter.

He never saw the girl again.

* * *

Dean's not quite sure how he ended up with Seamus Finnegan as his best friend, but he certainly doesn't regret it. Somehow, he's got a guy his side nearly every second of every day — and every night, too, seeing as Seamus' bed is right next to his and if Dean peeks through the curtains he can whisper to Seamus at night and see if he's still awake too. Dean's never really had a best friend before. He didn't know it felt so good.

"Are you awake?" he whispers, opening up his curtains around the bed and hoping Seamus'll do the same.

"No." his friend replies groggily.

The 'no' is usually a sign for Dean to pester Seamus relentlessly until he'll talk to him and neither of the two will remember falling asleep but as the light seeps through the windows to wake them up they'll see their curtains still open and find themselves still facing towards each other as though the pause in their conversation was only for a brief moment.

The boys don't mention it to each other, but it happens most nights.

.

One night, in third year, Dean wakes with Seamus' hand in his. He doesn't let go until the morning.

.

Whatever else happens, Dean knows he'll remember the Quidditch World Cup as one of the best weeks of his life. Somehow Seamus had convinced his mum to let Dean come along and he finds himself cheering for Ireland in a sport he didn't know existed three years ago and smiling with a guy he never thought he'd meet. Ireland win and he tries to capture Seamus' smile at the result on paper but doesn't quite come close so he screws it up and pretends it never existed.

.

Fourth year comes and with it comes the Triwizard Tournament and the Yule Ball. Harry Potter gets burnt by a dragon and Dean is worried about the Yule Ball. He goes with a pretty Ravenclaw girl who brings back a flash of memories of before he knew he was a wizard and Seamus manages to get Lavender Brown to go with him.

When he sees them dancing he gets a strange feeling in his chest that he can't quite describe. He puts it down to the food and dances all night, pretending that he's not glancing over to Seamus at every single chance he gets.

Seamus saves one dance for Dean, though, and Dean's thankful it's a loud song otherwise he's certain everyone would hear his heart thumping loudly.

.

He draws the Yule Ball but with a few variations. Ron dances with Hermione and Harry smiles at them before leaning in to kiss Cho Chang. The Weird Sisters are less hairy and he dances with Seamus to a slow song and doesn't let go of him ever.

A red pencil slashes across the page, scarring it as well as his heart, and he points his wand at it with a cry of 'Incendio!'.

He doesn't draw Seamus again for three years.

.

His family have never quite gotten used to owls flying in at any hour of the day during the summer holidays. They have managed to recognise Seamus' family owl, a tawny one with amber eyes named Kat. The Finnegan family place a lot on irony and Dean's pretty sure he hasn't stopped laughing since they told him the owl's name.

Dean's youngest step-sister hands him the letter and he unrolls the parchment, eyes scanning the letter and eyes widening in shock when he reads that Seamus' mother doesn't want to let him go back to Hogwarts next year. He's been kept up with what the papers are saying about Dumbledore and Harry by Seamus and other Hogwarts friends but he didn't for a second think Seamus would believe it.

For the first time, he doesn't agree with Seamus. He believes You-Know-Who is back and he believes that Harry saw him. He just hopes that his friend gets to come back to Hogwarts next year.

.

Fifth year seems different. Seamus is downcast and grumpy and Dean's sure he has the complete wrong idea, but he doesn't want to hurt his best friend when he already seems hurt enough himself. He starts talking to Ginny Weasley and pretends that he's not trying to make Seamus jealous. He doesn't even know when he began to see it in his mind clearly, that he loves Seamus in a way that isn't purely platonic. He's never really thought about whether he likes guys before, but he sees Seamus in a light that definitely isn't best friend material. Sometimes he looks at Seamus and feels the exact same way he did when he drew that girl five years ago and he wonders how it is that he didn't realise it before.

Dean realises in fifth year that Hogwarts isn't perfect. He always knew there was darkness out in the world, both magical and muggle, but he always thought that Hogwarts would be okay. Even Seamus, so blatantly not in support of Dumbledore, agrees that Umbridge is a cow and that they aren't learning anything. He just wishes Seamus would come to see Harry's side of the story; wishes he could be closer to him again. They don't fall asleep talking anymore.

Harry's interview in the Quibbler comes out and Seamus realises that he might have been wrong. Somehow Dean manages to get Seamus to come along to the DA meetings and he realises how easily the two pair up when told to find a partner — it's a question neither of them have to ask. He just wishes it had been that way at the Yule Ball.

But Seamus doesn't like him like that anyway and he's scared of admitting that he might not be just like everyone else, so he goes after Ginny and somehow they end up kissing. Ginny is a great distraction. He likes her, too. But he can't help but feel completely guilty every time he's kissing her and a scruffy-haired Irish boy springs to mind, when he's studying with her and sees Seamus across the common room and desperately wants to join him. He hates that he's got Ginny who is beautiful and smart and funny and all he wants is to cross back over to his best friend, who has so many faults, of which Dean knows every one.

Fifth year teaches Dean a lot of things. Hogwarts isn't perfect. Neither is love. He already knew that Seamus wasn't perfect, but fifth year is when Dean realises that he really, really doesn't care.

.

He talks to Seamus about Ginny sometimes. His best friend tells him that he's not quite sure how he managed to get one of hottest girl in school and uses the words 'ugly mug' at least twice in each conversation they have about Dean and Ginny's relationship but it makes Dean laugh, even if inside he's wishing that maybe he wasn't with Ginny anymore.

It ends and he wishes he would be more upset. Ginny is completely out of line — something that Seamus says, getting angry on Dean's behalf — and he isn't even mad, even though he acts like he is when Ginny and Harry get together so soon after the break up. To be honest, he saw it coming. He just wishes he could be with the person he wants to be, too.

Dean can't help but feel guilty when he makes the team as replacement chaser when Seamus doesn't, but he talks to him and apologises. Seamus ends up telling him that he doesn't need to apologise for being a better chaser than him and Dean sighs, falling asleep facing away from Seamus. It takes a few weeks for both of them to get over it but once they do it's like it never even happened at all.

Dumbledore's death signifies the last of Dean's faith in the world leaving. He swells with pride when Seamus has a public shouting match with his mother, yelling that he won't let his mum take him away before Dumbledore's funeral and he feels like he could kiss him. If only he could. After the funeral, they take a walk in the forest, neither of them speaking.

"I have to go soon." Seamus says, breaking the silence.

Dean is lost for words. He can't say 'don't' without sounding like he likes Seamus as more than a friend and yet he won't say 'okay' because it's not. "You'd better come and see me this summer." he says. He begins to realise that next year is going to be so different. Maybe he won't even be able to attend Hogwarts. From the look on Seamus' face, maybe he thinks the same.

Suddenly, Seamus' lips are on his and Dean's hand is reaching out and leaning against a tree so he doesn't lose his balance. He can feel a pain in his hand for hitting the tree too hard but he doesn't care. Dean kisses Seamus back, wondering how it happened, wondering how long Seamus has felt the same until he tells his brain to shut up. It seems like it lasts for no time at all and forever simultaneously and Dean feels the loss when Seamus pulls away and walks out of the forest.

If it weren't for the graze on his hand for flinging it so suddenly against a tree, Dean would be sure he imagined the whole thing.

.

Needless to say, he can't return to Hogwarts. Saying goodbye to his family is horrible and he can hardly stand his step-sisters' tears, kissing them on the forehead and telling them that he'll be okay. His mother gives him a look that oozes pride and Dean feels, for the first time like he's actually grown up.

He draws Seamus again, as big as he can on white sheets of paper, feeling like every line he draws is a scar, a scar that haunts him as he knows that this will be the closest he gets to Seamus for quite some time. He sends a letter to him just saying 'I miss you', hoping Seamus'll know who it's from. He finds people to travel with and they form a community, although he doesn't know how close to friendship any of them could say it is. They understand each other though, their motivations and their blood status, and everyone knows not to disturb Dean when he's drawing unless it's for a complete emergency, and nobody asks why Dean draws the same face over and over and burns each one to cinders when he's done.

On August 29th he receieves a letter from a tawny owl with amber eyes that simply says: 'Be safe.' and Dean knows that it's telling him Seamus won't be able to write from Hogwarts in case the letters are traced. He replays the kiss in his mind and traces it onto paper, slashing it with his wand as soon as it's done and wishing he hadn't even tried to draw it in the first place.

Sometimes he wishes Seamus hadn't kissed him. Seamus has left marks upon him, like all humans do, but it seems to Dean that it's more like a scar, slashing across his heart in Gryffindor colours, reminding him of the boy he needs but can't quite have.

The only thing that gives him hope is the possibility of a 'yet' on the end of that sentence.

.

Dean swears that if he ever had the opportunity to kill a snatcher he'd do it without a second thought. His wand is gone and they've got him and killed everyone except Griphook and there isn't even time to grieve because things happen so suddenly. It's all he can do to register Harry, Ron and Hermione arriving and being thrown in a cellar. The screams of Hermione penetrate through the ceiling and he sees the pain and worry on everyone's faces alongside his own.

An elf saves them.

He dies and Harry is beside himself and all Dean can think is how amazing it is that a house elf has saved all their lives when there are great wizards out there who are too terrified to do a thing.

It is acts like that which give him hope.

.

At Shell Cottage, he draws Seamus again, sometimes tracing pictures of him with a finger in the sand. Luna joins him sometimes and he finds himself telling her everything.

"I shouldn't be worrying about how I feel about Seamus when there are people dying all around me." Dean says, voicing his concern that he's been carrying with him for just under a year.

Luna smiles at him slightly. "Love is how we're going to win this war, Dean."

Her hand is enclosed in his and it feels nothing other than platonic. He keeps drawing and each different picture of Seamus no longer feels like a paper scar etched onto his heart, but like a promise, a promise to find him and kiss him and keep him.

Out of all the drawings, he doesn't burn a single one.

.

When his DA coin burns bright, he knows there's no turning back. He knows this is it. He arrives at the castle with Luna, Bill and Fleur in tow and as soon as he spots Seamus he runs into his arms, not wanting to ever let go. He wants to kiss him, too, but he holds back, knowing there will be time later. It's just as good to let Seamus hold him and know that he's there and they're together now.

He doesn't let himself think that it may be only for the time being. He doesn't dare think of the possiblity that one or both of them may not survive.

.

The war is over.

They kiss until their lips are chapped. Then they kiss some more.

.

They talk through the night and aren't able to be woken by the light streaming through the windows as they're still talking come dawn. This time, they're in the same bed. It feels right.

.

Dean manages to convince Seamus to sit for a portrait and Dean bites his lip in concentration, making sure everything is perfect. When he's done, Seamus sees it and wrinkles his brow in concentration.

"Is that supposed to be me?" he jokes, earning a playful punch on his arm before Dean kisses him and drags him to the bedroom, from which they don't emerge for hours.

The portrait earns pride of place on their kitchen wall.

.

They definitely aren't anything perfect, and maybe they mess up almost every day and fight and yell at each other, sulk in corners and won't speak for days until one bribes the other with Honeydukes chocolate but they have something. Something that survived six years of friendship before growing into something more.

Under the sky and in front of a hundred of their friends, they wed, neither of them with a best man because they know that spot is reserved for each other.

"I do."

"I do."

And the scars left on Dean's heart fade away.

* * *

_"But I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both."_

_—_An Origin Story, Sarah Kay & Phillip Kaye

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